What do I REALLY, TRULY want?
I try to meditate every single day even if just for 2 minutes either in the morning, mid-morning when I have a few minutes alone, or before bed. It actually differs every day because that's the beauty of my life right now; it's open and flowing.
Yesterday I meditated for 5 minutes in my car after work. It was a beautiful fall day, quite windy in fact, and I felt the urge to just unplug and empty my mind. As I settled into my breath I noticed the same question arising in my mind: what do I want? I contemplated for a moment about the career goals I made for this year, the things I want to share with the world and the ways in which I was to inspire and heal where I can. Then, a very interesting scene arose in my head and I went with it...funny enough I don't usually talk about these scenes I have in meditations with anyone, especially with the world, but here it goes!
I was led by this small woman with wings, like a lunar moth through these beautiful fields and up this mountain to a castle. The castle had a huge golden door and we just walked in...well she was fluttering about but I was walking. When we got inside there was a large crystal globe in the middle of the room and that was all...and a wizard-like man waving me over to the globe. He looked at me and said what do you want, and grabbed my hand while directing me to look into the globe. In that moment, for literally not even one second, I thought about all of my goals and then POOF they disappeared and I heard clear as day...I want to heal my myself, I want to cure my diabetes.
In that moment I felt this odd sensation...like why hadn't I ever asked the universe for this? Why, in the last 28 years had I just accepted this disease? Why have I always talked to the universe for so many other reasons but not for healing? I am a healer...so why am I not trying to heal myself? Well I am...but I haven't asked for any help, or assistance, or divine nudges on this, and that is what I find the most interesting. Have I buried this hurt so deeply that I have just went on living not facing the fact that I have a chronic disease? I believe this has actually helped my journey with this disease however, I also think it's been a bit of a denial...a repression of what is really happening.
During my yoga teacher training I also had a moment. We were in this intense method of meditation where we move our bodies very quickly to music and banging our fists while lying on the floor. Stick with me here. It's supposed to release something so deep that we haven't been seeing...and what came up for me was how ANGRY I am on a cellular level with this disease. Why me? Why did I get this? What did I do to deserve it? These questions came through me with a lot of strength and power...needless to say it was a very powerful experience for me because they did not come from my mind, they were not the thoughts I was thinking about on a daily basis or even in the beginning of this meditation. They came from a place where they have been hiding for a long time, and they wanted to be acknowledged and heard.
Well, I've made the decision that my goal truly is to try and heal myself. I have tried various techniques but I am making a declaration of commitment to this now...with the universe's help...with divine assistance and maybe a little bit of magic to heal my pancreas. I honestly feel that this is why I'm here...and I have the power within me to make this possible. Will it happen overnight? Most likely no, but, with intention and focus it will, I promise. I also promise you this...right now, that sometimes feelings of not having control over something in our lives can be buried so deep that we don't even realize that is what we need the most help with - not making money, or becoming successful, but healing from the inside out. Sometimes, asking for help from people, from guides and from the universe can be exactly what we need, and what we really, truly want on a cellular, spiritual level. I have chosen to listen to my SELF and what my real, true self wants.
Namaste and blessings,
Kate
